...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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