you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
