Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
