Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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