I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Randomize
