but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
