I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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