We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
