Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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