I cannot find my penis.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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