6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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