After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
