Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
