just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
