the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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