you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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