Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
