My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
