I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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