the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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