So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
