I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
