my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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