Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
