do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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