I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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