I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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