The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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