Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
