The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
