My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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