he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
