I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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