Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
