Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
