Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize