I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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