i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
