Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize