WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
