dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize