Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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