woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
