Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
