I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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