and you said cock pushups were impossible
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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