i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
