last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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