Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
