then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
