I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
