u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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