can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
