i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
