drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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