WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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