On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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