its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
