is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
