Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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