The maid of honor just puked.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
