I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
